“Jesus. You are all I have.”
I said those exact words out loud sobbing in my bedroom as my knees hit the floor.
I didn’t sound thrilled. Covering my face with my hands I immediately felt guilty for even saying them. It was almost like telling Him I don’t have anything. It’s something that has been buried deep in my heart and finally admitting that I don’t have anyone to love me just stung.
I can’t wait to be in love and do every day things together. Watch movies and cuddle.
I can’t wait to travel and make memories. Experience cultures and new foods.
I can’t wait to get a home and fix it up together to make it our cozy place. Decorate and grill out.
I can’t wait to work in the ministry together (whatever that looks like) serving the Lord. Praying and studying God’s Word.
I can’t wait to have babies and watch them grow. Sports games, birthday parties, to Christmas mornings…
I can’t wait – but I am waiting. And I keep on waiting. But while I wait it doesn’t mean I’m not useless. It doesn’t mean I’m cast aside and do nothing with my life. As I wish for these things and wrote them down, the Lord spoke to me and said, “Why would you wish for things to hurry up and miss what I have for you now?”
Now? Now Lord?
Now looks dark.
Now feels lonely.
Now seems long.
Now looks like I’m not getting anywhere in life.
In fact, now seems like I’m lost.
Now looks like I’m not accomplishing a single thing to be where I want to be.
Now literally feels like I have nothing.
Even in your “now” of waiting there is action.
Psalm 23 says, “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…” Walk is an action. We have to go THROUGH the valley.
It might feel like death right now, but God will comfort us being our guide.
Paul – who was in prison. He had nothing while he was there but yet he had everything because He had the Lord. He wrote my favorite book, Philippians, while sitting in a dark and lonely place and this is what he said in 4:19; “And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”
So as people celebrate this commercialized holiday, maybe you too sit alone…again “waiting” for the right person to come along. It’s hard to not let the things we don’t possess by a certain timetable go through our minds. But I want you to know you are so much more than that. Your purpose, your identity, your life cannot be based on “having” another person.
God created YOU. He has a plan specifically for you, right now! Most people think their purpose comes when they find their soulmate. Nope. Most people feel like they aren’t good enough until they have someone beside them. Nope. These aren’t “wrong” just simply not “right” at the moment. God can use a soulmate to help your calling, but not fulfill it. That is for you to do through Him!
It sounds so cliche to say, “Jesus. He is all I need.” But when you get to the bottom of yourself…when you get to the lowest point in life where you think you can’t possibly get any lower…when all you have is that little jar of oil and He asks for that too…you come to a place in life where you’re like, “Lord, You’re all I need to have. And I’m ok with that.”
Chin up, girl. Keep walking while you wait. You’re in your purpose now. Jesus is all we need to have.
*Picture of me and one of my little students who gave me a heart pen this Valentine’s Day. 💓